26 June 2005

upside down and inside out

Chogyam Trungpa says, "No one can turn you completely upside down and inside out." This one sounds true, doesn't it? It's like "you can't change anyone except yourself," and "do unto others." These things sound true, and they probably are true.

Today, however, they're not helpful. I am inside out and upside down. I think someone has treated me far more harshly than I deserve. I'm too depressed to do anything unto others, whether for good or ill.

(I wonder sometimes: at what point in one's career does one deserve to be treated gently? Respect is out of the question. The person will never, ever respect me. In fact, I don't even want him to respect me. One of my touchstones has been "it doesn't matter what you think, it matters how you behave." That, I know, is true.)

The rest of Trungpa's quote: "You must accept yourself as you are, instead of as you would like to be, which means giving up self-deception and wishful thinking."
I certainly seem to be falling into wishful thinking. The notion of "deserving" is wishful thinking, isn't it? Misery comes from thinking that you deserve anything.

Desirelessness and detachment. Buddhist goals. Pretty insightful, eh?

1 comment:

KSD said...

Oh, Dear. . . What misery to come home to. . . I'm hear to lend an eye if you need to write.

Thinking of you, and breathing along with you.